Annelies Koppers
Pisa, Sunday evening seven-thirty. Tired and hungry after a long day of travel, I settled in a restaurant to have something to eat. As I'm about to have an espresso, an Italian family comes in with two primary school-age children. Quietly, something for everyone is chosen from the menu and the family happily chats and waits for what is to come. No yelling, talking or kicking and pushing under or above the table. On the contrary, it looks like a nice night out. Those children are just very good, I notice with some concern.
Peaceful scene
I too have two children of primary school age, but this peaceful scene would not have been granted to me. Anyway, my boys are usually long and wide in dreamland by seven thirty, but besides that there would never be such a serene peace at our table, I mused over my cup of coffee. With us, there is always life in the brewery, even in a restaurant.
I wondered what the difference is then; my children have so much bravado, are they more energetic and (too much?) present (after all, always on a voyage of discovery) or are Italian children simply kept much shorter in terms of upbringing? And to what extent is that positive? High time for some research, I decided.
Radical differences
A few years ago, Pauline Valkenet wrote very strikingly in the newspaper Trouw about the radical differences in upbringing. In the article '"Suffocating Surveillance" (July 28, 2010) she states that Italian parents do not leave their children alone for a second and raise them rather protected. After all, dangers lurk everywhere.
Aha, I thought, so we Dutch are just a lot freer when it comes to upbringing. Yet there is something else underlying it. The birth rate in Italy is lower than in the Netherlands, so that the focus is quickly on the often only child. I myself am forced to divide the attention between the two 'lords' with the result that they have to cut their own sandwiches or put on their clothes at a young age (not always with positive consequences, by the way). I also find this independence valuable and support it in all areas.
mother hen
There is another important cultural difference that partly determines the difference in upbringing, namely the position of women. In Italy women still work less than in other European countries. And when they work outside the home, nine times out of ten grandmother (the grandma) engaged as a babysitter with the consequence that she is like a mother hen number two watching over her grandchild. suffocating.
There is simply not much contact with peers and therefore no opportunity to learn how to deal with confrontations or to share toys. The further south I travel in Italy, the more Italians are surprised that the children are in the safe care of their father for such a week and that not even a nonna comes in handy. And I come home full of stories with two kids hanging on my every word.
bite-sized chunks
To be fair, I sometimes wonder whether the children would be better off with a housewife who would be ready after school with a towel when it rains or who in the morning already has the breakfast sandwich in bite-sized chunks on a plate draped for her kids. Am I not missing them?
In the same article, Valkenet quotes educator Francesco Tonucci, who argues that this super protection is disguised as love and is therefore difficult to eradicate. But isn't that exactly what we all feel for our children? The Italian family generally expresses this differently than the Dutch family, but is there a right and a wrong?
In my mind I return to the Italian family at that table in Pisa and I sincerely hope that those oh so good children will later spread their wings and, not always with their parents in their wake, go on a journey of discovery about themselves and the world around them.
Photo Italian children above: Pixabay
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