Steve Smulders
"Now I'm going to tell you something you like, because I know you love these absurd stories."
I look at Roberto expectantly. What would have happened to him now? At least once a week he comes up with a disaster story, something that just had to happen to him again, yet another example of a typical Italian 'situation'. He doesn't look happy so it will probably be a crazy and (for us) nice story. I prick up my gossipy ears.
The postman came yesterday with a fine, a fine?' begins Roberto.
Oh yes, that's right. The post-Pandaatje came by, saw Roberto doing some odd jobs with us and thought: Hey, let me give him his mail too. It was the dreaded green envelope. Nico saw it and called worried 'Una multa?But luckily he wasn't for us.
Roberto sighed: 'È un anno così.'It's one of those years where everything goes wrong. Boilers that break, refrigerators that start to leak, stones that tear car windows… it just didn't stop.
the proverbial 'nuvola di Fantozzi' has been hanging over his head all year round (The bookkeeper Fantozzi is an Italian comic figure who is always unlucky. Even when he goes on vacation to the sunny south, a rain cloud follows him like a faithful dog).
“Well, it was the same fine I had been given a few weeks ago. And had paid immediately, because then you get a 30% discount. Still $129,' said Roberto.
"But a fine for what then?" I asked curiously.
'Driven too fast on the Becca Bridge,' Roberto grumbled. 'They have one Tutor (route control) installed. One day before I speeded there.'
Roberto sends me a doomed look that must of course happen to him again, as if they've installed that Tutor just to get him.
“They waited a week to announce it. Do you understand?'
I get it.
'That's typical Italy,' he continues. 'First take a lot of cash and then warn the motorist.'
'But what are those fines actually spent on?' Nico asks quasi-naively.
"Filling the potholes in the roads with those bits of tar," I answer quickly, whereupon Roberto points a finger tightly at me.
'Precisely.'
Was that it? I think disappointed. I was hoping for more sensation. How else am I ever going to finish my fourth book? But luckily, Roberto is already getting ready to move on.
'So a second fine for the same violation,' he says.
Oh yes, the double fine.
'Same place and day and time. So I want to advertise. And where should that be? Of course not with the police of the municipality where the offense was committed, no, that has to be done in Pavia. You understand?' Roberto gives me a sly look. But I don't know what he means yet, so raise my eyebrows.
"Because of the lockdown, I am not allowed to go to Pavia, so if I go there to complain to the police, you will see that they immediately give me a corona fine."
On this Roberto makes the typical Italian gesture as if he is making a vertical cut in his cheek with his thumb. Meaning: that's how you get cheated by those leperics.
'E hai già tutta Italia lì.' And with that you have Italy all in front of you, at its best. That's how it goes here, Roberto wants to say. Whatever you do, as a citizen you will always be screwed by the government.
Roberto continues:
'So I take another good look at that fine, four double-sided pages full of text, and yes, there's a phone number. Beautiful.'
Roberto immediately called and said very politely that he had received a double fine.
'But go away, sir, a double fine, that's not possible at all. You must first learn to read properly!' replied the officer on duty.
"But I've got them here in front of me, two fines, same time, same place, same number!" Roberto was now getting agitated.
"Yes, yes, that's what they all say," replied the fine administrator.
'But can't you just check it?' cried Roberto, almost desperately.
'No that is impossible. But wait, did you send a copy of your driver's license?' The official finally sounded a little more willing.
'Copy driver's license?' asked Roberto hesitantly. 'No, why?'
"Ah!" said the fine grumbling mustache now firmly. 'That's the cause. The first fine states that you must always send a copy of your driving license. Bisogna lege legs! Learn to read well!' it sounded pleased. He had been right after all.
"But it doesn't say that anywhere," Roberto hesitated, scanning the lengthy text of the first fine once more to be sure. And damn, there it really was, in tiny letters, hidden between an ocean of all kinds of superfluous formal notices with references to standards and articles of law. Roberto sighed deeply.
"Yes, now I see, but you must understand that you can't read such small letters after a certain age?" Roberto defended his omission.
'Yeah, they noticed that too. That's why it's written on it in larger letters now.'
huh? Roberto looks at the second fine and sees that it is now clearly legible.
"And then the asshole says I should learn to read better," Roberto barks at us. 'While they KNOW ITSELF that it is not legible! La gente e matta, davvero. People are crazy, really.' He raises his hands to the sky and shakes his weary head as he looks at our ceiling.
But the story is still not over (thankfully).
'Okay, so I have to send a copy of my driver's license. But there was also a giro collection form of 154 euros. So I ask why that is.'
"Oh, no, you shouldn't use it." said the carabiniere. “That's only for those who didn't pay the first fine. We cannot see who has paid and who has not, so we always send the fine again. Behind it is another giro collection form, of 24 euros. You have to pay that,'
'Oh, I hadn't seen that one yet. Well hidden behind that higher, first fine!' Roberto responded with veiled cynicism. 'And what is it for?'
'Fine for not sending a copy of a driver's license.'
"You see," Roberto says to us in closing. 'That's the way it is in Italy. They add that high first fine again in the hope that many people do not see or have forgotten that they have already paid it. That way they get some extra money again.'
"To plug more potholes in the road," I answer cheerfully. Whereupon Roberto pulls his thumb over his cheek again.
We understood each other. We understand each other. And Italy.
🇮🇹Reading tip: Want to read more fun stories about life in Italy? You can find it in the three parts 'Italiaanse Status' by Stef Smulders, available at bol.com.
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